And Jiang Ze seemed to have no way to continue pretending to be deaf, blind, and mute.
It wanted to have a proper talk with Jiang Xiaoya.
However, finding a suitable moment was never easy. Senior year was exhausting. Even a puppy that loved to play was inevitably swept into the torrent of struggle. When the apocalypse arrived, college could have been attended, but whether that counted as luck was unclear. After the Federation was established, a new college entrance examination began. Jiang Xiaoya and the others caught the very first cohort. Many classmates chose to go to the front lines instead of continuing their studies. But perhaps because of her past life in 21st-century Huaguo, in the few memories Jiang Xiaoya had left, a preinstalled program of “must go to college” had been implanted.
She herself found it strange—once she thought of college, the thought of absolutely having to take the exam immediately appeared. With no choice, she began preparing for the college entrance exam without stopping. When she returned home, she was always in a rush, dark circles under her eyes like a little panda.
In fact, after she kissed it, she forgot about that matter. However, she sensed that recently Jiang Ze seemed to have something it wanted to say to her. She deliberately turned back home and knocked on the door: “Jiang Ze, Jiang Ze, do you have something you want to tell me?”
It lowered its head and glanced at the obvious dark circles under her eyes.
Lowering its gaze.
“It’s nothing.”
She turned her head to look at the figure by the doorway, then ran off in a flash.
It was a rare holiday, and it was raining.
She finished her test papers and was watching TV. The Federation’s dramas were all from before the apocalypse; after watching them countless times, they made her especially sleepy. She collapsed onto its shoulder. Then she slid along the shoulder into its arms, just like when she was little, naturally searching for the most comfortable position in its embrace.
In the past, of course, nothing would have happened.
But ever since discovering that love letter and being kissed, this kind of intimacy made it unable to be as calm as before.
The young Jiang Ze sat quietly, stiffly. It wanted her to stand up, not lean into its arms.
She was invading its boundaries. It had already decided to maintain the identity of “mom” and let everything return to how it was.
But it lowered its head and discovered that she had fallen asleep, her sleeping posture just like when she was little. Her breathing was shallow, curled up in its arms.
It fell silent.
Letting her lean against it, feeling the temperature drop, raindrops drifting in through the window.
It then stood up and carried her back to the bed.
In the end, it still didn’t manage to speak.
Wait a bit longer, wait a bit more.
It thought.
This huge being truly did not understand the subtlety of human emotions. This pitiful monster did not understand that sometimes, indulgence in emotions was equivalent to tacit consent.
Thus, under this mistaken strategy, she was like a torrential rain in its life—soaking it through and through, then growing mushrooms from the body of the huge being.
It soon lost the composure of being a mother and the calm of a guardian.
In the afternoon, while it was changing clothes, the puppy suddenly slipped in from the walk-in closet. Before it could react, she tiptoed, her nose lightly brushing along its jawline, and began sniffing it, sniffing from the chin all the way to the shoulder. Thus, Xiaoya’s scent enveloped it like rainwater. Her shallow breaths shifted from its chin to its Adam’s apple. It tickled.
It heard its own steady heartbeat stop at a certain moment.
And then, at the moment she pulled away, begin beating again.
With a cold face, it was about to lift her away, but the puppy swore that she had smelled something.
It hesitated for a moment, thinking it had misunderstood. Perhaps the child disliked the smell of blood or mud on it. Well, occasionally there was a bit of that. When she was little, she had disliked the smell of water ghosts very much; whenever she smelled it, she would always chase it off to the swamp to wash clean.
It immediately lowered its head and sniffed itself, only to smell the scent of body wash.
The swamp monster’s body temperature was as cold as lake water, so it did not have the strange odors of a human male. But there would be a faint earthy smell. That was the scent of wet grass from walking through the swamp. Jiang Xiaoya liked its smell, just as every puppy liked to rush onto the grass after rain and roll around.
Once or twice might have been coincidence, but every day when she came home, she would lean in, sniffing the left side and then the right side. Like a puppy inspecting the smell on its body. Then she would draw conclusions: it smelled like berries, it smelled like apples, it smelled like mushrooms!
This was too dangerous. It began to uncontrollably care about these details.
When killing water ghosts, the huge being would think: Xiaoya will smell the blood; maybe I should wash first before going home.
When encountering a cluster of fresh flowers deep in the forest, it would think: Xiaoya would like this. Maybe I should stay a little longer, let myself take on the scent she likes.
When moving through pine needles, it would think: would she be able to smell the cedar?
Very quickly, it realized how terrible these details were.
As if mushrooms called Jiang Xiaoya were starting to grow all over its body.
As if all of its scents belonged to her, and it, too, belonged to her.
The invasion of scent continued. Because the swamp monster’s sense of smell was far sharper than hers. It could smell the body wash on her, the lemon candy she had eaten downstairs, and besides that, a kind of fuzzy, sun-dried fragrance that she carried from childhood to adulthood.
And that fragrance, more often than not, transferred onto it through her closeness.
Fuzzy sunlight and the dark, dampness of the swamp mixed together ambiguously.
She invaded its territory from all directions, everywhere. Its city fell inch by inch, collateral damage spreading outward. It wanted to wash away her scent, but it forgot that for more than ten years they had used the same brand of body wash, to the point that it could no longer tell whose scent was whose. As if a part of its body was Jiang Xiaoya.
The wolf king was bitten on the neck by a young wolf; the young wolf tried to mark this as its own possession. Its teeth were not sharp enough, unable to pierce the wolf king’s throat. But for no clear reason, it could not move.
What could be done? The young wolf was one it had raised itself. The television talked about “ambition of wolf cubs.” This was probably her right now. The back of her head round and small, like a lop-eared rabbit, but actually a little dog trying to become a wolf.
This could not continue.
It needed a bit of breathing space, at least a space without Jiang Xiaoya’s scent.
So it began leaving early and returning late. There was always hot food and notes left on the table, yet it would always leave precisely before she came home. Sometimes it would not return for three or four days. On the phone, her voice sounded muffled as she asked, “Jiang Ze, when are you coming back?”
It always replied briefly: “Soon.”
In truth, it moved slowly, thinking that it never wanted to return to that house filled entirely with her scent.
But Jiang Xiaoya would still worry about Jiang Ze. When she couldn’t wait any longer, she would squat at the doorway and wait for it.
Just as the youth was about to crouch on the opposite rooftop to see whether she was at home, it saw, in the corner, the puppy sitting under the sofa hugging a pillow. She stared eagerly at the doorway, waiting from dusk until deep night. Just like when she was little, when there was no television, always lying by the window waiting for it. It had originally wanted to avoid her. But the puppy’s gaze made its feet feel as if they had taken root, unable to move.
She called it.
Lying on the pillow, she said in a muffled voice, “Jiang Ze, I miss you.”
And so, that indestructible, cold, merciless part collapsed.
It said, “Mm.”
It lowered its eyes.
Mm, Xiaoya, I miss you too.
She asked whether it had been very busy lately.
It told her to turn around.
She saw the youth standing at the doorway. The sky full of stars was behind it.
“I miss you” was the puppy’s spell.
As long as she recited this spell, Mom would descend from the sky.
───♡───
In front of Jiang Xiaoya, Jiang Ze was the softest-hearted monster in the world. It was unwilling for her eyes to dim, unwilling to see the puppy wait from morning until night. So even though the waves in its heart had still not settled, it still decided to accompany her as before.
It was still unwilling to love her.
It had been a mother for too long—carrying her burning with fever over mountains and ridges to find a doctor, holding her small hand through spring, summer, autumn, and winter. How could it be willing to look at her with that kind of gaze a man uses to look at a woman?
What’s more, the puppy’s three-minute enthusiasm had always existed, and it knew her so well. When she was little, she loved that puppy doll so much; when she grew up, she would leave her beloved toy forgotten on the cabinet. That doll gathered dust, the threads came loose, and it was never thought of again.
But a mother was different.
It returned to that home. Just like over the past ten-plus years, it cooked soup for her. It wove new backpacks and trinkets for the puppy. It seemed to plan on using these small, motherly chores to retrieve some inner calm.
Stitch by stitch, that calm truly seemed to return.
During the last long holiday before the college entrance exam, the school held a coming-of-age ceremony. A formal dance would be held in celebration. It did not know what a coming-of-age ceremony was, but Jiang Xiaoya said it was very important. It had originally planned to take Jiang Xiaoya back to the swamp.
To use a newly learned three-layer raspberry cake to celebrate the puppy’s coming of age. Mm, it could add a bit of hazelnut and chocolate.
But she was going to the dance, and the three-layer cake plan fell through.
Even so, it still went to the mall with her, accompanying her to buy a very beautiful ball gown.
The shoes that went with the long dress were a bit like Cinderella’s crystal slippers. After she put them on, she wobbled unsteadily. It carefully looked at the thin heels, went out, and bought her a pair of sneakers. Sure enough, after wearing them for a while, she kicked the shoes off, pretending her leg was lame, crying “ow, ow,” insisting it carry her home.
The puppy’s history of pretending to be lame spanned seventeen years; it had long since grown used to it.
Probably because there was sparkly powder dusted on her eyelids and sparkly lip gloss on her lips, Jiang Xiaoya felt she was very pretty tonight. Trying to make the young Jiang Ze notice how radiant and especially beautiful she was today, she began a full-on puppy peacocking!
After getting home, she spun around like a butterfly.
But it said she looked like a wound-up spinning top!
She cleared her throat and hummed a song, trying to draw Jiang Ze’s attention away from that onion.
But it said she was like that lotus candle on a birthday cake that screeched while singing and couldn’t be turned off.
The puppy’s ears drooped.
Watching the youth chopping vegetables to prepare dinner, she felt a sense of powerlessness.
She knew Jiang Ze loved her. But it was precisely because of this deep love that she felt a dead-water-like despair.
For no clear reason, she told it about Deng Fei inviting her. Yes, Deng Fei still liked her! She hoped to see something different on the young man’s face, to break that dead-water stillness—
But after chattering on for a long time, she realized that the youth across from her hadn’t even lifted his eyelids.
She raised her voice: “Jiang Ze! I’m going to dance with Deng Fei.”
It gave an “Mm.”
She waited for a long time, but there was nothing more. She only heard the youth quietly chopping vegetables.
Within the thud-thud sounds.
It merely reminded her: Xiaoya, you need to be home before ten at night.
───♡───
The childishness ran away.
It thought: then what could it do? It was only her mother.
And she was eighteen. It had no standing or right to stop her from associating with boys her age.
Even if the other party liked her.
Because it was only a mother, and still had to smile and say, good child, you must pay attention to safety, come home early.
But Jiang Xiaoya left.
In the world, only the sound of chopping vegetables remained.
Jiang Daya, are you happy now?
It crouched in the corner, silent for a long time.
The youth stood up and walked toward the depths of the swamp. It wanted to stay in the swamp for a while.
Just staying a while would be fine. It probably was still very unaccustomed to remaining in the human world. Whether learning to be a human or experiencing human emotions, both were too exhausting.
But in the next second, it heard hurried footsteps rushing back home.
She pushed the door open.
Like a breathless Cinderella fleeing in her gown.
───♡───
She had tested it badly. She wanted to wound it in love to get some response. That was a very bad thing. She wanted to make it jealous to prove that she did have a place in its heart. Not just that pitiful little baby.
She could even do more excessive things to provoke it. She had even thought of many ideas—if it were truly unmoved, perhaps she would link arms with someone else and pass by in front of it, perhaps she would deliberately pretend to be intimate with someone else where it could see. To anger it to death!
But Jiang Xiaoya, aside from loving Jiang Ze, loved her big, big monster mom even more.
Even though she knew that Jiang Ze might not have any feelings toward her beyond familial affection. But if there was even a one-in-ten-thousand chance that it would truly feel hurt because of her words?
Jiang Xiaoya could not hurt Mom’s heart.
Only the worst puppy in the world would go and hurt Mom’s heart.
She kicked her shoes off and said, humming and grumbling, “I’m not going. It’s not interesting at all.”
It asked her about Deng Fei then. Wasn’t that little white bear still waiting for her?
It was about to leave. She didn’t have time to put her shoes on and chased after it barefoot.
She said she didn’t want to go to the coming-of-age ceremony anymore.
But it was useless. Today, the swamp monster wanted to return to the swamp and turn into a big tree. It missed that damp swamp unbearably. The dry air of the human world made its chest feel stifled, like a fish unable to breathe. So it quickened its pace, wanting to leave here and hide in the swamp. To be a solitary monster, forever living apart from the group.
But she chased after it and said: she missed home.
“……”
A deep breath.
A deep sigh escaped, as if coming from the depths of the swamp.
The huge being stopped.
We quarrel, grow awkward, suffer, and separate in love. And also because of love, we hold each other tightly.
They walked along that familiar road home. She was still wearing her ball gown, stepping on the grass as she chased after the big monster. Her steps were not as fast as its, so it silently slowed down to wait for her. Ahead was a mud pit. The huge being reached out and carried her across. It was careful, not dirtying her beloved dress.
In the distance, in the direction of home, Ah Hua was grazing, and the flowers were in full bloom.
